Holding a grudge is hazardous to your health. And so learning how to forgive is critically important. That is the major premise of an excellent book, Forgive for Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin. Dr. Luskin defines forgiveness as “the feeling of peace that emerges as you take your hurt less personally, take responsibility for how you feel and become a hero instead of a victim in the story you tell”. In the book, Luskin refers to a method he has created that “provides a simple and quick response to any hurtful experience”. It is called the HEAL method – Hope, Educate, Affirm and    Long-Term. The HEAL method is described below.

H – Hope

“The Hope statement represents the specific positive outcome you desire in a hurtful situation…It is a desire for a specific outcome in a specific situation”. Hope statements help us get in touch with our goals that lie below the hurt. “Telling ourselves that all we can ever do is hope things go our way is a good reminder of life’s uncertainty. Asserting our hopes is a statement of pride and power that we understand that all our hopes do not manifest. Pride and power result from accepting the vulnerability in hoping for things”.

There are three conditions for a successful Hope statement:

  • It must be worded in positive terms
  • It must be personal (“Begin with the word ‘I’ and focus on our personal goal”)
  • Make it specific

A good Hope statement gets you to “think of exactly what you wanted in a situation that hurt”.

E – Educate

“We Educate ourselves about the way the world really operates. Educate means that each specific hope you have exists with the awareness that you might not get what you want. Educate also means you are aware of every hope you have has several possible outcomes: it may turn out better, worse or exactly how you anticipated…Therefore, you hope, do your best and await the results”.

“In the Educate statement we both acknowledge the possibility of not getting what we want and fully accept that reality”. In fact, “relationships that end poorly are a fact of life and a common experience”. While Hope statements are personal, Educate statements are impersonal. They are helpful because “when we generalize the cause of a grievance, we take the personal sting away”.

A good Educate statement should start with “I understand and accept that…”. The E statement has two parts:

  • “The general statement acknowledging that every hope carries with it the possibility of failure”
  • “You accept life’s uncertainty”

A – Affirm

The next step is to affirm your positive intention. “Positive intention reminds us of the life goals that our focus on a hurtful experience has shifted aside. Alternatively, positive intention reminds us that we can grow from any hurtful experience”.

A strong Affirm statement is future-focused while the Hope and Educate statements are rooted in the past. “When you make a strong positive intention, you motivate yourself. Your story changes and your true goals emerge”.

L – Long-term

The L stands for “making a Long-Term Commitment to your long-range well-being”. It emphasizes the importance of practice. When practicing the HEAL method, it helps you “tell your story from your positive intention even when your habits are telling you to dwell on the hurt”.

Luskin writes “Every L statement includes the following: “I make the long-term commitment to follow my positive intention and use the HEAL method”. The author recommends three techniques to help you follow your positive intention:

  • “Look for people who have successfully healed from a similar grievance”.
  • “Ask a friend of family member to let you know when you are overdoing your grievance story”.
  • “Reward yourself for your practice”.

Forgive for Good is an excellent resource for those of us mired in the act of holding grudges.