As I have long advocated, getting in touch with your childhood and adolescent memories is critical to achieve a sense of self-worth, contentment and confidence in your adult life. Myelin Leadership International has developed a potent process – RENEW – to help you accomplish this. RENEW uses the latest thinking and tools from neuroscience to achieve remarkable results for its coaching clients. But what exactly are the challenges that children and adolescents face and what are the implications for parenting? To address this, Ingela Ratledge Amundson has written an excellent article (“The Challenges of Childhood”) in TIME magazine’s special edition on “The Science of Stress”.

In this article, Amundson cites research from the Pew Research Center in 2019 that “confirmed that an astounding 79% of teens consider anxiety and depression a “major problem among their peers”.”  She continued by quoting author Phyllis Fagell who wrote, “Not only are kids dealing with stress but they’re doing it without the benefit of perspective. Their lack of life experience magnifies the intensity of their emotions”. Kids haven’t developed “the ability to zoom out and acknowledge that “this too shall pass” and “they’re more likely to catastrophize”. Psychologist David Palmiter states that “Kids – especially those suffering anxiety or depression – don’t have the same capacity to turn down the fight-or-flight response, so they convince themselves that a kitten is really a tiger”.

Amundson helps us better understand the sources of stress for kids that end up producing toxic messages that include ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘I’m not worthy’, etc. These stressors are:

  • The Mom and Dad Effect – Amundson makes the point that kids are constantly watching their parents, taking in how they “resolve conflict, cope with stress, navigate daily challenges and interact with others”. When parents are arguing or flinging insults at each other, their kids are listening. Because children are totally dependent on their parents for survival, parental arguments are a threat to their kids – resulting in unhealthy subconscious thoughts and coping mechanisms that manifest themselves in self-defeating behaviors in adulthood. Amundson urges parents to “resist the urge to “shield” your kids from the truth”.
  • The Outside World – “Another trigger for stress is media exposure”, Amundson writes. She continues, “Social media provides endless opportunities to feel excluded, isolated or less than”. She recommends that parents “monitor your kids’ online activity and phone usage”.
  • Too Much work, Not Enough Play – Amundson states that “Just like adults, kids today fall victim to the pitfalls of overachieving and over programming”. Author Phyllis Fagell advises that “I’ve seen kids worrying about their academic performance as young as second grade. They need unstructured time to relax and play.”

Amundson writes that kids face stress at every stage of childhood.

  • Elementary School – Common stressors – “Separating from parents, handling transitions and doing things that are unfamiliar or difficult all rank high”. They also stress about “‘messing up’, being singled out or facing a challenge they don’t feel prepared for or dealing with disruptions at home”.

– Coping strategies – Have routines, preview changes, enlist kids for their ideas, involve kids to come up with solutions.

 

  • Middle School – Common Stressors – Author Fagell writes, “Kids really develop an awareness of how they stack up to their peers socially, academically, athletically and physically…Bullying peaks in middle school as kids jockey for a position in the hierarchy”.

– Coping Strategies – “Create opportunities to connect by setting aside one hour a week of special time with your child…no technology, no other humans and undivided                      attention”. Have heart-to-hearts.

 

  • High School – Common Stressors – The American Psychological Association “found that the most common sources of stress for high schoolers were school (83%), getting into a good college or figuring out what to do after high school (69%) and their family’s finances (65%). Of course, “social anxiety looms large during this period”.

– Coping Strategies – “Rather than trying to solve your teens’ crisis, validate it; Help teens feel understood; Tell your own stories because kids can learn a lot from their                         parents’ pasts, including their screwups; Address any insecurity about money; Take stock of your kids’ school stress in order to steer them accordingly; Help kids play to their strengths”.

It is our role as parents to develop trust with our kids, open up the communication channels and to listen well. We must create an open and trusting family culture with a minimal amount of stress and arguing. It is up to parents to help create hidden messages in their kids’ brains that are focused on positivity, love, self-acceptance, self-worth and empathy. This is the springboard that will produce adults who will be both mentally and physically healthy.