Marissa King, professor of Organizational Behavior at the Yale School of Management, has written a comprehensive book, Social Chemistry – Decoding the Patterns of Human Connection, that makes a convincing case that the strength and quality of your social connections have a significant impact on your emotional well-being and how you experience the world. In fact, the quality of your social connections is strongly correlated with higher cognitive functioning, resilience and your personal and professional success.

One of the most important chapters in the book – In the Moment – emphasizes that our ability to be in the moment in the presence of others is related to the quality of our relationships. King writes, “Fleeting moments determine the quality of our interactions”.  Furthermore, “while our networks are the constellations created through repeated interaction, brief moments are central to our emotional experience”. She continues by writing that “truly seeing, hearing and listening to another leads to connection. Too often, however, we are either too hurried or afraid to deeply connect”.

Indeed, we are constantly in a rush, moving from one activity to another and one person to another. We pay a price for this. “When we are in a rush, our ability to connect with others – whether friends, family, colleagues or strangers – is impaired. Being hurried and harried impairs our ability to read and understand others’ emotional expressions, from their gaze to their verbal intonation. When people are distracted, stressed or under time pressure, they are much more likely to be self-absorbed and ego-centric. They don’t have the ability to read others well”.  Ultimately our divided attention “makes us socially disconnected”.

Some key insights from Social Chemistry – Decoding the Patterns of Human Connection are:

  • “Eye contact was the most frequently mentioned cue of attraction…Joint attention, empathy and memory all increase when we look straight at each other…Whether it’s affection, amusement, or annoyance, our eyes convey how we feel. And the ability to read another person’s eyes is one of the best predictors of a person’s social intelligence”.

 

  • “Asking questions leads to connections…Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering…Questions, and particularly follow-up questions, help establish rapport through their focus on the other and by evoking self-disclosure…People also get intrinsic pleasure from being able to talk about themselves”.

 

  • “When people feel listened to, they are more likely to trust you, like you and feel motivated…A typical conversation unfolds at 150 words per minute, while the average person can comprehend speech at a much higher rate. This leaves a lot of time in conversational space for our minds to wander…” Open-mindedness is an asset when one is listening, because people frequently hear only what they want to hear…Our emotions act as aural filters. At times they can cause deafness and other times they make listening altogether too easy”.

 

  • There are four key dimensions of listening:

 

  • Cognitive – “Are you actually hearing sounds and remembering what you hear? (“I understand”)”.

 

  • Behavioral – “Do you engage in and convey the behaviors that are typically associated with being a good listener, like making eye contact and smiling and nodding? (“I do”)”.

 

  • Affective – “Are you grasping the meaning and emotion of the conversation? (“I value”)”.

 

  • Ethical – “Are you listening without judgment”?

 

  • A good question is “What is it like to be you today?”

 

  • “Listening deeply allows people to reveal themselves through words and tone”. Ralph Nichols wrote, “The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them”.

 

  • “Touch is the social language of our social life…Touch seems to be a medium of social expression, not self-expression…Touchers are seen as more friendly, sincere, agreeable and kind…Holding someone else’s hand or receiving a big hug reduces anxiety, lowers blood pressure and reduces levels of cortisol…A hug or handshake can boost your immune system…Touch is ten times stronger than verbal or emotional contact and it affects damn near everything we do. No other sense can arouse you like touch…We forget that touch is not only basic to our species, but the key to it”.

 

Social Chemistry – Decoding the Patterns of Human Connection is well worth reading. The book focuses on the importance of the quality of our social networks but concludes that “while our networks are the constellations created by enduring patterns of interactions, the quality of our relationships is determined in the moment. In each moment we have the choice of whether and to what extent to connect with the person before us…The intensity of a social interaction happens only in the moment. It happens through our most basic human senses – seeing, hearing and feeling”.