Best-selling author and thought leader Brené Brown has written a fascinating book, Atlas of the Heart.  Based on extensive research, Atlas of the Heart‘s premise is that “our understanding of our own and others’ emotions is shaped by how we perceive, categorize and describe emotional experiences – and these interpretations rely heavily on language…Learning to label emotions with a more nuanced vocabulary can be absolutely transformative”.
Atlas of the Heart identifies 87 emotions that serves as a guide to help us better understand the meaning of each emotion and how we can use this knowledge to cultivate meaningful connection with each other. To help us in this endeavor, Brown introduces the concepts of near and far enemies. She writes, “near enemies are states that appear similar to the desired quality (or emotion) but actually undermine it. Far enemies are the opposite of what we are trying to achieve. For example. a near enemy of loving-kindness is sentimentality – similar but different. A far enemy of loving-kindness is ill will – the opposite of loving-kindness…On the surface, near enemies of emotions or experiences might look and even feel like connection, but ultimately they drive us to be disconnected from ourselves and from each other. Without awareness, near enemies become the practices that fuel separation, rather than practices that reinforce the inextricable connection of all people”. It’s the near enemies that “sabotage relationships and leave us feeling alone and in pain”.
According to Brown, cultivating meaningful connection “is a daring and vulnerable practice that requires grounded confidence, the courage to walk alongside others and story stewardship”.  These are described below.
Grounded confidence
The core learning in Brown’s brilliant book Dare to Lead is that “it’s not fear that gets in the way of courage, it’s armor – how we self-protect when we feel uncertain or fearful. Our armoring behaviors keep us from showing up in ways that are aligned with our values. As we learn to recognize and remove our armor, we replace it with grounded confidence…Developing grounded confidence is driven by a commitment to learning and improving. Its near enemy is knowing and proving”.
A key aspect of developing grounded confidence is based in getting in touch with our bodily sensations. Brown quotes writer Prentis Hemphill in defining embodiment as “the awareness of our body’s sensations, habits and beliefs that inform them. Embodiment requires the ability to feel and allow the body’s emotions”.  In contrast, Prentis defines disembodiment as “an unawareness, repression or denial of our sensations and emotions, and/or privileging our thinking over our feeling”.
Getting in touch with our bodies is all-important as a means of developing grounded confidence. “Our bodies are our teachers and the messengers who call our attention to what we’re absorbing and becoming”.
The courage to walk alongside others
The courage to walk alongside others is a “commitment to be with people – not pushing them from behind or leading from the front, but walking with them in solidarity”. Being other-focused means:
  • “using language in the service of connecting” and
  • “practicing compassion, empathy and nonjudgment”

Brown points out that “the near enemy of walking alongside is controlling the path“. The intent in controlling the path is to “control either us or the outcome”. In ascertaining whether you are walking alongside others or controlling the path, you can ask “Whose best interest are you protecting?” Brown writes, “Walking alongside is other-focused. Control is self-focused”.

Brown relates the concept of power to walking alongside others. She quotes Martin Luther King, Jr. as defining power as “the ability to achieve purpose and effect change”. It’s how power is used that defines whether it is good or bad.

  • Power over is dangerous because “it’s using disproportional influence to achieve gain, even when that diminishes the agency and/or dignity of others”.
  • Power with is based on “mutual support, solidarity, collaboration and recognition and respect for differences”.
  • Power to is “based on the belief that each individual has the power to make a difference”.
  • Power within is defined by “an ability to recognize differences and respect others, grounded in a strong foundation of self-worth and self-knowledge”.

Practicing story stewardship

Story stewardship means asking people how they’re feeling. It means “honoring the sacred nature of story – the ones we share and the ones we hear – and knowing that we’ve been entrusted with something valuable or that we have something valuable that we should treat with respect and care”. Brown writes, “we are good stewards of the stories we hear by listening, being curious, affirming and believing people when they tell us how they experienced something”.

The author states that “the near enemy of practicing story stewardship is performing connection while driving disconnection”. “Performative connection means that we’re acting interested or invested, but there’s more going on under the surface that’s really driving disconnection and separation. The issues that most of us struggle with are being the knower, advice-giving and problem-solving”.  Story stewardship means saying, “I’m grateful that you’re sharing this with me. What does support look like? I can listen and be with you. I can help problem-solve or whatever else you need. You tell me”.

Brown also cautions against “narrative takeover”, which is hijacking another’s story and centering ourselves. Narrative takeover is about “protecting our ego, behavior or privilege”.  Ultimately, story stewardship is about “being curious and building narrative trust as they tell you about the experience of being in their own shoes”.

 

Brown ends her book by writing, “Our connection with others can only be as deep as our connection with ourselves…I need to be connected to myself, in my own body and learning what makes me work. This is how I start to develop the grounded confidence I need to move through the world and cultivate meaningful connection with others”.