Anjuli Sherin has written a magical book, Joyous Resilience, that builds on all the literature on the virtues of being resilient by suggesting that it is normal and preferable to desire pleasure and play as well. She defines joyous resilience as “the magical, powerful force that emanates from an inner locus of nurturance, protection and emotional attunement. Resilience is the inoculation against stress and trauma, allowing us to re-establish contact with an inner joy so we can thrive”.

Sherin states that the majority of us are perpetually stuck in a Cycle of Suffering that prevents us from being joyously resilient. Two of these roles are:

  • The Neglector – “The Neglector is best thought of as the absent or checked-out inner parent who always focuses on others and not on themselves”.
  • The Critic – “The Critic has the role of one finger pointed outwards, with an attitude of resentment, persecution, blame and even hate. The Critic’s stance is I blame you and the game they are best at is putting others down”.

There are six Saboteurs associated with both of the above roles.

The Neglector

  1. Martyr – Sherin writes, “Martyrs feel like they have no choice but to say yes to every demand that comes their way, especially from those closest to them. The Martyr is distinguished from the person who is simply being helpful. “The key distinguisher is the feeling of resentment that creeps up inside the person doing all the giving, fueled by a guilt-ridden belief that they do not have the right to say no and the fear that stepping back or focusing on their own needs will mean disconnection from their close relationships and communities”.
  1. People Pleaser – “The People Pleaser “lacks confidence” …craves admiration insatiably. She lives on the reflections of herself in the eyes of others. She does not dare to be herself”. People Pleasers “believe they cannot be themselves and be liked at the same time. Their desire to be liked means spending a lifetime contorting their needs, feelings and beliefs to other people’s expectations. When this goes on for long enough, it can be hard for People Pleasers to identify their own needs and preferences…People Pleasers learn that they do not have a right to express needs and be heard with respect and courtesy”. Additionally, People Pleasers “do not learn how to have healthy, generative conflict”.
  1. Addict – Sherin includes the following quote to characterize the Addict – “not feeling is no replacement for reality. Your problems today are still your problems tomorrow” …The Addict’s fundamental “self-care” strategy is based on the belief that something outside them is going to make them feel better. To the Addict, “feeling better means a short-term high, numbness or reprieve from the larger pain they may feel…What differentiates comforting behavior from that of an Addict is a high frequency of occurrence, a difficulty in remaining within self-defined healthy limits and the behavior’s basis in a constant need to avoid feelings”…The Addict role encompasses folks who feel the need to check out through constant use of television, social media, video games, staying busy, spending money, using alcohol or drugs, romantic fantasy or sexual encounters, among other things. These behaviors are problematic when they keep a person from feeling, facing and transforming their inner and outer dilemmas”.

The Critic

  1. The Judge – “This is the classic face of the Critic: judgmental, bullying, emotionally abusive, condescending and even cruel. The Judge is always pointing a finger in blame toward the world, ourselves or both. Common phrases that the Judge uses are “’What’s wrong with me/you?’, ‘It’s all your/my fault’, ‘How could you/I be so stupid?’, ‘You are/I am too old/fat/ugly to have someone love you/me’, ‘No one could love_________about you/me’”…The symptoms of anyone living under the abusive voice of the Judge: anxiety, insecurity, shame, anger, resentment and the browbeaten helplessness of anyone who has withstood the constant pummeling of a judgmental voice”.
  1. The Fearmonger – “The Fearmonger is the world’s worst psychic. It bases all its future predictions on the harshest possible assessment of a present situation or personality trait and it creates a future scenario of unmitigated doom. The past exists in a haze of bitterness and blame…Classic Fearmonger statements include the following: ‘You should have known better’, ‘If it hasn’t happened yet, it will never happen’, ‘Bad things happen so it’s foolish to relax’, ‘Don’t bother trying, it’s never going to work out’” …The Fearmonger is an expert at turning the pain and difficulty of the past, and the turbulent feelings of the present, into a lifelong sentence”.
  1. The Perfectionist – “The Perfectionist is seemingly the hardest face for people to identify because of how greatly modern society affirms, lauds and celebrates its voice as necessary and functional”. Hallmark statements of this role are: “’I want to look/sound perfect/do it perfectly’, ‘I don’t need help. I should be able to do it alone’, ‘I don’t want to be needy’, ‘What’s the point of trying if you can’t do it right? Or be good at it? Or win?’, ‘Crying and emotions are weak’” …The Perfectionist can sound like a tough-love coach whose response to anything that is difficult, stressful, or painful is to look for the solution – and the solution is always to find a way to make things perfect again…The only problem is that people, situations and life are rarely, if ever, perfect”. The Perfectionist fears his/her Vulnerable Self. “Underneath all the bluster is someone who feels deeply afraid that people will see his/her pains, insecurities and uncertainties and judge them for it”.

Joyous Resilience is a special read in helping the reader understand his/her authentic self and recommending ways to live a life of resilience, joy and pleasure.