Dr. David Burns has written a book that is chock full of wisdom when it comes to living a good life. His book, Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy, has a life-changing premise – the human brain was designed to survive, not to thrive. In other words, your brain helps keep you alive but you have to work hard at being happy and feeling good.
Dr. Burns is a strong advocate of cognitive behavioral therapy. In his book, he outlines ten major cognitive distortions in our brains that keep us from seeing our lives as they actually are. Dr. Burns gives us many tools, tips, methods and techniques to help us overcome these cognitive distortions. The book also refers to four common addictions we have that prevent us from leading happy, authentic lives. These are:
- Approval Addiction – The approval addiction is based on the reality that you may “feel terrible if someone disapproved of you”. This disapproval from someone else poses a threat to you. However, the author reasons that “another person’s approval has no ability to affect your mood unless you believe what he or she says is valid”. Some excerpts from Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy on approval addiction are:
a. “Others can say or think whatever they want about you, good or bad, but only your thoughts will influence your emotions”.
b. “You must “buy into” the other person’s criticism – and believe that in fact you are no good – in order to feel bad about yourself”.
c. “Disapproval often reflects other people’s irrational beliefs”.
d. “The other person’s negative reaction can only be directed toward a specific thing you did, not at your worth”.
e. “Where did you get this approval addiction in the first place? We can only speculate that the answer may lie in your interactions with people who were important to you when you were a child”.
- The Love Addiction – Burns observes that it is a common belief that “true love is necessary for ultimate happiness”. He disputes the belief that being loved is an absolute necessity. The key is to being happy is within yourself. “People who have found happiness within themselves are usually the most desirable to members of the opposite sex and become like magnets because they are at peace and generate a sense of joy”. Dr. Burns writes about one of his clients who believed that “all her activities would be unsatisfactory unless she had someone to share them with”, that “the key to her success was simple – as a first step, she proved that she could develop a relationship with herself”. Two important excerpts from the book:
a. “Oxygen is a need, but love is a want. I repeat: LOVE IA NOT AN ADULT HUMAN NEED”.
b. “It is not being alone that is so bad or so good, but rather how one thinks regarding that or any other condition of being”.
- Work is Your Worth Addiction – Many people feel that their work gives them a sense of self-worth. Dr. Burns writes, “In the absence of achievement, you’ll feel worthless and bored because you’ll have no other basis for self-respect and fulfillment. Many people keep setting higher and higher expectations of themselves at work but the “excitement quickly wears off”. As Dr. Burns points out – “Success does not guarantee happiness. The two are not identical and are not causally related. So you end up chasing a mirage. Since your thoughts are the true key to your moods and not success. Recognize that there is only one way you can lose a sense of self-worth – by persecuting yourself with unreasonable, illogical negative thoughts”. In essence, self-esteem has nothing to do with work, rather it is “your decision to treat yourself like a beloved friend”.
- Perfectionism Addiction – Dr. Burns doesn’t beat around the bush when he says, “There is no perfection. It’s really the world’s greatest con game…So, if you are a perfectionist, you are guaranteed to be a loser in whatever you do”. The author suggests that to overcome perfectionism you must confront your fears. “Fear is the fuel that drives your compulsion to polish things to the ultimate”. In order to release your need for perfectionism, “you may have to expose yourself to a certain amount of initial unpleasantness. This can be your golden opportunity to learn about the origin of your fears”. Burns further suggests that another way to overcome perfectionism is to “focus on processes rather than outcomes as a basis for evaluating things”. In other words, enjoy the journey above and beyond the final destination or result”.
Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy is a must-read for those who want to overcome their cognitive distortions, take control over their brains and learn not just to survive, but to thrive.