Brené Brown’s book, “I Thought I Was Just Me – But It Isn’t”, is a definitive look at the debilitating emotion of shame. The book helps readers take the journey from “What will people think?” to “I am enough”. Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging”. She distinguishes between shame and guilt by suggesting that the former is about “I am bad” and the latter is about “I did something bad”. Brown writes that “guilt can often be a positive motivator of change while shame typically leads to worse behavior or paralysis”. Essentially, shame focuses on “who we are rather than what we’ve done”.
From a neuroscience perspective, “shame can be so threatening that, rather than processing it in the neocortex – the advanced part of the brain that allows us to think, analyze and react – shame can signal our brains to go into our very primal “fight, flight or freeze” mode. In this mode, the neocortex is bypassed and our access to advanced, rational, calm thinking and processing of emotion all but disappears. The primitive part of the brain springs into action and that’s when we find ourselves becoming aggressive, wanting to run and hide or feeling paralyzed; sometimes, without any clue as to why”.
Brown’s theory on shame is called Shame Resilience Theory and its major propositions are:
• Shame is best defined as described in the first paragraph. “Shame creates fear, blame and disconnection”.
• “The opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy”.
• “Empathy requires that we practice ordinary courage, compassion and connection”.
• “We cannot become resistant to change; however, we can develop shame resilience. Shame resilience is best conceptualized as a continuum, with shame anchoring one end and empathy anchoring the other end”.
• “Our level of shame resilience is determined by our combined ability to recognize shame and our specific triggers, our level of critical awareness, our willingness to reach out to others and our ability to speak shame. In other words, our position on the shame resilience continuum is actually the sum of our positions on these other four continuums”.
• “We must assess our shame resilience independently for each shame category. A high level of shame resilience in one area does not guarantee high shame resilience for all areas”.
• “Understanding our triggers allows us to better recognize shame and reach out for support. When we don’t know our vulnerabilities, we rely on ineffective methods to protect ourselves from the pain caused by shame. I call these “shame screens””.
• “Critical awareness helps us demystify, contextualize and normalize our shame experiences. A lack of critical awareness can result in our reinforcing, individualizing and pathologizing our shame experiences”.
• “Reaching out allows us to share our stories and create change. When we don’t reach out to others, we often start separating and insulating ourselves from others”.
• “Speaking shame gives us the tools we need to express how we feel and ask for what we need. When we don’t speak shame, we often start to shut down or speak out”.
“I Thought I Was Just Me – But It Isn’t” is a comprehensive look into the touchy subject of shame. Shame is perhaps the most debilitating of emotions and so getting a handle on it is critical if people want to overcome harmful internal thoughts and subconscious messages that reside within their brains. Reading Brené Brown’s book is a great first step in both understanding shame and, more importantly, developing shame resilience.