Coach, author and speaker Dr. Marcia Reynolds has written an insightful book, Outsmart Your Brain – How to Master Your Mind When Emotions Take the Wheel, that emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence in the leadership role. She believes that productivity has nothing to do with knowledge and skills. “Results depend on emotional commitment. Performance is based on how people feel while doing the job, not on how well they know how to do it…Even high achievers lose the drive to work at their best if their leaders don’t seek to understand and help them meet their needs, especially the needs for accomplishment, recognition, autonomy, and a contribution that feels meaningful. The environment can also hinder productivity if people don’t feel safe and respected.”
Reynolds understands that “the culture of a team or organization is defined by the overall emotional state…the dominant emotions felt by the people determine the quality of the output…The ability of the team to make decisions and deliver a star performance is determined by how the people feel about the task, about each other and about the leadership they report to. When people feel afraid, angry, frustrated, stressed, or depressed, their work suffers…Chronically heavy workloads, no time for personal development, lack of group and individual recognition, and a preference to put off or ignore anything related to emotions drains the energy out of the organization…Employees want a leader who knows them, understands them, treats them fairly, and is someone whom they can trust…What leaders avoid – emotional expression – is their best chance to connect.”
Keeping your cool and staying present is hard to do when emotions arise during a conversation. Reynolds recommends “six tips for what to do when emotions arise during difficult conversations:
- Take a breath, release your tension, and be quiet.
- Allow the reaction to happen. They might apologize or ask to leave. Tell them you understand why they are reacting so they feel normal instead of defective.
- Don’t try to fix the person or the problem…You can ask questions to learn more about how they see the situation and what they need to move forward.
- If they get defensive, don’t fuel the fire. Don’t get angry in return or disengage…Give them a moment to vent to release the steam.
- If they are afraid, ask what consequences they fear and then listen to their answer…Encourage them to speak by asking a few questions that show you are curious and you care. What are they afraid they will lose in the future?
- Before you end the conversation, ask them to articulate what they discovered or learned.
When it comes to hurtful behavior, “stay calm, curious and confident in your response…Then if you can find the willingness and goals that would encourage these people to explore different behaviors and perspectives with you, you might be able to change their minds. Or you might find it is time to move them out.” It is helpful to keep in mind that “rudeness, shaming, misunderstandings, and offensiveness often happen when people are grasping for attention, control, or appreciation, not because of the desire to hurt…Hurtful behavior calls for effective coaching. “If you want to resolve or coach a person through a problem, use the SET-C method of inquiry:
- Ask them to tell the STORY from their point of view.
- Identify the EMOTIONS they are feeling.
- Look for the possible TRIGGERS. You might ask them to verify what you perceive are their emotions and triggers.
- CHOOSE how you want to redirect the conversation. Sometimes all you need to do is to help people understand what they are feeling – and why – and they will know for themselves what they need to do.”
Finally, Reynolds emphasizes the need for a leader to establish a culture of psychological safety for the team and organization. She quotes Dr. Amy Edmonson who says, “Psychological safety describes the individuals’ perceptions about the consequences of interpersonal risk in their work environment. It consists of taken-for-granted beliefs about how others will respond when one puts oneself on the line, such as by asking a question, seeking feedback, reporting a mistake, or proposing a new idea.” Three questions that can help establish the degree of psychological safety you or the other person are experiencing are:
- Do I feel I can express my thoughts without being judged?
- Do I believe I can talk about how I feel?
- Do I feel valued for who I am, not just the goals I cross off my list?”
Outsmart Your Brain – How to Master Your Mind When Emotions Take the Wheel is an important contribution in helping leaders understand the vital importance of the emotional brain.