Mel Robbins has written a book, The Let Them Theory, that presents a basic principle – Let Them – that is a powerful lesson you can use to transform your life. Robbins writes, “If you’re struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowlingly give to other people“. Her message is that you must stop trying to control others because it’s an exercise in futility. She recommends, “focus on the one thing you can control: you”.

The Let Them Theory recommends that, to influence others, you must recognize that people only change when they feel like it. “When you pressure someone to change it just creates more tension, resentment, and distance in your relationships.”  It is highly ineffective to try to push someone and try to change their behavior. “People need to feel in control of their decisions. You want people in your life to change, but pressuring them creates resistance to it.” Wisely, the author understands that “If someone doesn’t feel like changing, it doesn’t mean they’re lazy or that they don’t want to change. More likely, it means they feel discouraged, like they can’t change, it won’t work, or that it’s just going to be too hard and they’ll fail.”

Change is hard so “the most loving you can do is stop pressuring them and Let Them be. Right now, you have a completely unrealistic expectation and an approach that is backfiring.  Robbins presents three facts based on human motivation and change:

  1. Adults only change when they feel like it – “The motivation to change must come from within the other person”, and “adults only do what they feel like doing.”
  2. Human beings are wired to move toward what feels good “Humans are wired to move toward what feels good right now, and to move away from what feels hard in the moment. ..A human being will always feel like choosing what is pleasurable now, and avoiding what feels painful. ..When you pressure someone, you’re fighting against the wiring of the human brain…A person must be able to separate themselves from the pain they will feel in the moment and the action that they need to take.”
  3. Every single person on the planet thinks they’re the exception – “People believe that warning labels, threats, and known risks don’t apply to them…Everyone thinks they are the exception to bad outcomes happening to them…Our brains quite literally tune out the worst-case scenarios – which is why the contempt-filled sighs aren’t doing anything.

“When you stop trying to pressure people to change and Let Them be, something magical happens. You now have time and energy to unlock the power of your positive influence.” In order to influence someone’s behavior, Robbins recommends  “model the behavior change you want to see and walk the talk you’ve been asking for.” This is a perfect way to “get someone else to change and believe it was their idea.” She also suggests that you make the change look fun and easy and that you remove any expectation that they will change.

Robbins has created the “ABC Loop” if “you’re in a very frustrating standoff with someone that you care about.” There are three steps:

  1. Step A: APOLOGIZE, then ASK open-ended questions –  “Getting the person to talk about how THEY feel will encourage them to think about the disconnect between what they want and their current behavior…Starting with an apology sets the tone for a compassionate and supportive conversation.” An example: “I want to apologize for judging and pressuring you, and I realize I’ve never asked you how you feel about your (health, living situation, marriage, finances, etc.).” Whatever they say, “just keep asking them open-ended questions that reflect back the answers they just gave you (so it sounds like you’re feeling okay about your health)…And then continue to just listen with curiosity and acceptance, and respond only with open-ended questions that repeat back what they just said.”
  2. Step B: BACK OFF, and observe their BEHAVIOR – Don’t pressure them. “Model the change, and make it look easy and fun, while you give them the freedom to figure out for themselves why this issue matters to them…It takes time for tension to transform into motivation. Let Them be.”
  3. Step C: CELEBRATE progress while you continue to model change – “Immediate positive compliments are a key driver to influencing behavior change…Immediate positive rewards after someone does something hard will boost their intrinsic motivation or desire to do it again. When you acknowledge their effort, it acts like fuel to keep them going.”

In conclusion, Robbins writes, “If you don’t use Let Them, you are allowing yourself to be impacted by the worries, actions, insecurities, and opinions of others. If you don’t use Let Me, you are leaving the things you want in life up to chance.”