Dan Pink has written another masterful book, The Power of Regret, that argues that living life with no regrets prevents us from seeing them as important lessons to be learned about ourselves.  Pink concludes his book by writing “Regret makes me human. Regret makes me better. Regret gives me hope.”  We can “enlist our regrets to make smarter decisions, perform better at work and school, and deepen our sense of meaning and purpose.”  Pink uses his own World Regret Survey to identify four core regrets that most people have. He writes “by understanding what people regret the most, we can understand what they value the most.”

The author asks a simple question – “What do we do with our regrets? If regrets make us human, how can we enlist them to make us better, more satisfied people?” He suggests starting by understanding that there are two types of regrets: regrets of action (regretting what we did) and regrets of inaction (regretting what we didn’t do). “For action regrets, your initial goal should be to change the immediate situation for the better. This can be accomplished in two ways – 1. We can undo regrets: we can make amends, reverse our choices, or erase the consequences…2. We can also respond to action regrets by using At Leasts to help us feel better about our circumstances.”

STEP 1. UNDO IT

  • “People are much more likely to undo regrets of action than regrets of inaction. We’re more apt to repair what we did than what we didn’t do.”
  • “To address regrets of action, begin by asking yourself these questions:
  • If I’ve harmed others, as is often the case with moral regrets and sometimes the case with connection regrets, can I make amends through an apology or some form of emotional or material restitution?
  • If I’ve harmed myself, as is this case for many foundation regrets and some connection regrets, can I fix the mistake? For example, can I begin paying down debt or logging a few more hours at work? Can I reach out immediately to someone whose connection I severed?” 

STEP 2. AT LEAST IT

“The other way to address the present is not to repair our previous actions but to recast the way we think about them.

  • Switch from If Only to At Least. Going to law school was a mistake – but at least I met my wife.
  • Finding a silver lining doesn’t negate the existence of a cloud. But it does offer another perspective on that cloud.
  • Think about how it could have turned out worse. “At least I got a good deal.”
  • At Leasts can turn regret into relief. On their own they don’t change our behavior, but they change how we feel about our behavior, which can be valuable.”

“Rather than ignoring the negative emotion of regret – or worse, wallowing in it – we can remember that feeling is for thinking and that thinking is for doing. Following a straightforward three-step process, we can disclose the regret, reframe the way we view it, and extract a lesson from the experience to remake our subsequent decisions.”

STEP 1. SELF-DISCLOSURE: RELIVE AND RELIEVE

  • “The first step in reckoning with all regrets, whether regrets of action or inaction, is self-disclosure…An enormous body of literature makes clear that disclosing our thoughts, feelings, and actions – by telling others or simply by writing about them – brings an array of physical, mental, and professional benefits. Such self-revelation is linked to reduced blood pressure, higher grades, better coping skills, and more.
  • Denying our regrets taxes our minds and bodies. Gripping them too tightly can tip us into harmful rumination. The better approach is to relive and relieve.
  • Self-disclosure builds affinity much more often than it triggers judgment.”

STEP 2. SELF-COMPASSION: NORMALIZE AND NEUTRALIZE

  • “When we stumble or fail, we treat ourselves more harshly than we would ever treat friends, family, or even strangers in the same predicament.
  • We’re better off extending ourselves the same warmth and understanding we’d offer another person. Self-compassion begins by replacing searing judgment with basic kindness.
  • By normalizing negative experiences, we neutralize them.
  • Psychologists Jia Wei Zhang and Serena Chen tell us that ‘self-compassion appears to orient people to embrace their regret and this willingness to remain in contact with their regret may afford people the opportunity to discover avenues for personal improvement’.”

STEP 3. SELF-DISTANCING: ANALYZE AND STRATEGIZE

  • “Learn to zoom out and gaze upon our situation as a detached observer.
  • Self-distancing helps you analyze and strategize – to examine the regret dispassionately without shame or rancor and to extract from it a lesson that can guide your future behavior.
  • We can create distance from our regrets in three ways:
  • Space – View the scene from the perspective of a neutral observer.
  • Time – Prompt people to consider how they might feel in ten years.
  • Self-Distancing – Use third-person pronouns like “she”, “him”, and “they” rather than first-person pronouns like “I”. “me”, and “my”. “

Pink concludes by writing that “the sequence of self-disclosure, self-compassion, and self-distancing offers a simple yet systematic way to transform regret into a powerful force for stability, achievement, and purpose”